Personal: Is anyone else freaking out?
Did you know it's already December 4th?!
February 18 is 76 days away?! Less than 11 weeks?!
I'm freaking out y'all. I won't lie to you. We all know I have anxiety and LOVE to plan and know exactly what's going to happen, which is pretty much a very naive dream in my current situation.
Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to leave for the trail. NO I am not having second thoughts, don't worry!!
But I'm super nervous, and that's completely natural. If I wasn't nervous you might want to get concerned...
A short list of my current worries (call me in an hour, they might be different):
I've decided my pack is bigger than I want and I don't feel comfortable with it. I have to return it. I don't want to drive 3 hours to REI since I was just in Boston last week... I have to go... I have to pick another pack... I have 10 weeks to break it in...
I've also decided that I don't want a mummy bag.
I still need things!! Not big things, but things, and I don't want to spend more money right now. But Thankfully, no big purchases aside from the two above which thankfully are technically exchanges and therefore already paid for.
Did I mention it's December?!
I still haven't really figured out my medications.
My pack! *insert freaking out emoji here (does that exist?)*
So I got fitted for a pack at REI by a very capable guide. Of the packs I tried on and with the little working knowledge I had, I felt that the pack I chose was a good idea. It was a great price, it seemed to fit. It felt big at the time, but I thought, "Well I've never thru-hiked and I'll want 60+ L. Besides, I'm not that short!"
Well I've learned a lot since then. About myself, my preferences, and about packs.
In the store, it seemed like the straps on the pack were easy to adjust and understand. After beginning my job at EMS, learning more about packs, learning about and actually fitting people for packs, and playing around with a lot of different packs I realized the straps on this pack really annoy me. It's a small detail, but I don't want to spend 6 months with a pack I don't like, or (worse) have to replace it on the trail where I can't return it.
Here's more:
Recently, I got a gym membership so that I could get in better shape for the trail during the winter. I tried out my pack for the second time EVER. I loaded it up with weights (20 lbs. to begin with) and tried it out on the stair climber. It felt okay, but every time I turned or tilted my head the top of the pack hit the back of my head. I know I have a big head, but it wasn't the brain of the pack hitting me, it was the top of the back of the pack. The back of the pack is structured and stiff. It isn't something I want to hit my head on multiple times a day for 6 months. I decided to try it out in some other positions. I tried doing squats and some other movements around the gym (the other people probably thought I was crazy) and the problem persisted. I tried adjusting where the shoulder harness was placed, but adjusting the shoulders higher made the bottom of the pack hit my butt in an uncomfortable way and did not eliminate the problem. After fussing with it for an hour, I decided to reevaluate my pack choices.
I went over my gear, packing it and repacking it. I managed to pack all of the equipment I need with room for food and water without using the bottom sleeping bag compartment (15L capacity) at all.
That means that, at a maximum, I was using about 55-60L of a 70L pack. A pack that felt too big anyway. So I have decided to return it and look at other packs and sizes this weekend at REI.
I'm currently looking at a few Gregory models as well as an Osprey Model. I love my Osprey Daylite but I'm concerned about the ventilation system on their newer large packs. I'd like to examine more in person, though. I will most definitely post more about this later.
Sleeping Bag *sigh*
When I first looked at sleeping bags I sincerely thought that mummy bags were my only real option. I was very wrong. The more I've done my research, the more I realize how many options there are! This article from Backpacking North really helped me make my next big decision.
I'm returning my Mummy bag from Marmot. I love the weight, the treated down aspect and ratio, the length, the materials it's made out of, the temperature rating, and the color. After sleeping with it for about 14 nights total I had a silly realization: I never made it more than 10 minutes with the bag all the way zipped. For various reasons:
I toss and turn
I'm a side sleeper
I really like to stick a foot or leg out of my bag or blanket.
It was warm! As it should be...
After some research, I've decided I really want to try an ultralight quilt instead. I think I have settled on a Revelation Quilt by Enlightened Equipment.
It is only $30 more than the Marmot bag I am returning. Honestly, for a good night's sleep I'm will to spend a little bit more money. I think this switch will make me much more comfortable at night. Although the quilt is about the same weight as the mummy bag, I feel that it will fit my sleeping situation better in the long run.
Things... Ah things...
I still need to pick up some small things. But the small things are sometimes really important. For example: I still haven't picked up my Sawyer filter... I have no rain pants or skirt or umbrella yet (I still don't know which options I'm bringing...). I still haven't grabbed a bandanna for a pee rag (vital mistake, I know). Gaiters need to be ordered. I need to settle on which underwear I'll be wearing and what liner socks I want to take. It's the little things, my friends.
Again it's DE - CE - M - BER *screams* 10 weeks?!
Lastly: Medication, the never ending struggle...
As you may have seen on my Instagram, I recently went back to see my Psychiatrist because the Cymbalta was NOT working for me. In the past I thought it seemed to work for me (I've taken it on and off for about two and half years...). When my doctor asked me about my lifestyle the previous times I tried this medication, we came up with an interesting realization: this is the first time in my life that my life has been like this.
My life previously:
Working 20-40 hours/week
School Full Time
Internship 16+ hours/week
Team Sports 2 seasons
Music (band, jazz band, orchestra)
High Expectations
High Stress
Packed Schedule
OR Political Campaign 70 hours/week
My Life Now:
2 Jobs 40-50 hours/week
Mild-Moderate Physical Activity
Financial Support
Food Support
Housing Support
Low Stress
Low Pressure
A bit of identity confusion
I was SO distracted during most of my life that I didn't bother to pay attention to my mental health problems until they caused other health problems like: fainting, starvation, malnutrition, sodium deficiency (can lead to seizures), migraines, gastro-intestinal problems, exhaustion, etc. I didn't even think that I had anxiety until I was in a psychiatric ward in a hospital.
Because of all of these distractions I did not pay much attention to the side-effects I was having or how long they had lasted. I felt the side-effects and told my doctor about them, but I never felt like they were that problematic in the past. This time, I took Cymbalta for about a month and it was complete torture. Although, my mood and motivation did prove somewhat, we had to lower the dose of the medication that I was taking because the side-effects were causing me so many problems and this made the medication less effective. Appetite loss, nausea, vomiting, insomnia, shaking/tremors, hot flashes, never ending thirst (dry mouth) and (worst of all) it amplified my anxiety. There are very few times I have ever felt more anxious than this past month.
It felt like there was this electricity buzzing through me, but instead of recharging me and giving me a lot of energy it made me exhausted and worried.
So, my psych and I made the decision to switch off of Cymbalta and onto Prozak. Prozak has many of the same side-effects but it metabolizes differently than Cymbalta. While Cymbalta metabolizes daily and can give people with fast metabolisms and low doses withdrawal symptoms at the end of the dose or day (shakes/tremors, hot flashes, migraines, nausea). Prozak instead, takes longer to metabolize, helps anxiety more than depression (which is why I was originally prescribed Cymbalta), and (at higher doses) can be taken just once or twice per week. This dosing could be really helpful on the trail.
While I do think that I could make it through the entire trail without a psychiatric medication, I honestly don't want to try to if I don't have to. I currently feel very unstable, nervous, anxious, and socially awkward. My mood is a roller coaster by the hour, my anxiety is off the charts and bordering paranoia in some situations (night time, large stores, nightmares, social situations), and I really don't want to have to leave the trail because of my mental health. I'm hoping the Prozak pulls through for me this time. I will definitely be writing a post after the one month mark with a better analysis of how the medication is working for me, in case it may help some of you!
TL;DR: I'm nervous. For reasons. T minus 10 weeks.
Keep Trekking (and taking your meds!),
Rachel
Disclaimers (you knew they were coming):
THANK YOU MOM + DAD. I love you both and your support has helped me more than I could ever tell you in actual words on the internet and I'm sure I don't say this enough (don't judge my public cheesiness, I love them).
Just because the 70L Deuter Pack and Traditional Mummy bag didn't work for me doesn't mean that it won't work for you, HIKE YOUR OWN HIKE!
This is a personal post. I do not edit, sensor, or filter my personal posts in order to maintain the real, approachable (I hope), and relatable tone I naturally speak in. If you find an error or typo that effects a brand, company, or other important entity please let me know and I will fix it. If you find a typo or error that has to do with my personal life or experiences please just gloss over it!
Lastly, as always, If you need help with your mental health you can always contact me through my contact page. If you need professional help, feel you may be suicidal, or want someone to speak to anonymously please call the Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255